Put your keys in the bowl, kiss your husband goodnight

So last night was pretty boring as far as the usual nights go. Late on a Wednesday it's usually pretty quiet, barring the usual few curious customers. I didn't get a chance to be the new rude bartender I wanted to be, but I'll have plenty of time for that on the weekends. Dan arrived 20 minutes late, not a big deal since there wasn't much of a crowd. He was on fire though. Kept sniffing and rubbing his coke-nose... Talking everyones ears off. Our daily regular, Steve showed up, as usual, since he does every single day and stays for hours. He's a damn lonely guy. Comes in around 5 and has a few beers, that'll last him for a few hours. Then after 8 or so he'll get his usual. Jack and Coke with a splash of lime juice, no fruit. He used to have a job, advocating for mentally challenged people who have been adopted. Made sure they got the right care and all that. But just a week ago he was fired for looking at pornography on the office computer. Something you'd think he'd keep to himself. But no, told me all about it as soon as he got fired. Now he's collecting social security until he finds something else. Don't know how he's going to do that spending 8 hours a day at the bar. He's a good guy, polite and quiet, tips well.

So with Steve there to keep me company and observe the madness with the aid of a few drinks, the night went on. Slowly. Only a few people in for dinner, no late night rush. Only a couple drunk women. One married, one newly single. The married one made out with Dan a bit in the kitchen. The newly single one, I think, was pretty interested in me. Unless she really did just want to take me home for pancakes. She said she makes the best chocolate chip pancakes and she wanted me to come home with her so that she could cook them for me. The woman just got divorced. Personal trainer, you'd never tell she has 2 kids. I guess if I went home with her I'd get to look forward to a nice pancake breakfast with her two children who are almost as old as I am. I told her a night out drinking may be what she needs, maybe she does need to have a nice pancake breakfast with a bartender half her age. Maybe she wasn't doing the wrong thing. But I couldn't take advantage of a nice drunk woman who could be my mother. She didn't take this well. She cried for a whole 30 seconds before retreating to the bathroom to vomit. I am very grateful that she didn't miss the toilet. I thanked her. Dan wasn't going to get much more out of his Mrs. Robinson anyway, since she would never cheat on her husband. The married women don't usually go too far. Usually. The longer you work at a bar like this, the less hope you have that you will ever find true happiness. True happiness is out the door when your wife realizes she wasted her whole damn life reading Cosmopolitan Magazine, choosing the right interior design for her boring home and living the same boring life day in and day out with a husband who works his same boring job day in, day out. Then your wife goes out with her friends to a bar like mine and drinks away her troubles. Forgets she has those damn kids out with their own delinquent friends, getting drunk and sleeping with God-knows-who. Husband working late and probably banging the secretary. Oh, there's a cute bartender. Why should my life be so damn boring?

After the good wife and her drunk personal trainer left, the night was pretty slow. Just steve and a few other old guys sitting at the bar, not saying much. Had an interesting conversation with Christie, a cocktail waitress who is never too discreet about her sexuality, especially when there are only a few pathetic looking drunks sitting at the bar anyway. Told me (and everyone else sitting at the bar, who were all listening intently) about her last vomiting experience. On the lap of her boyfriend, while they were driving on the highway. You can come to your own conclusions about how Christie could throw up on her boyfriend's lap. Even the deadbeats at the bar were offended when she was talking about how he had to drive 20 minutes before he found an exit and a restroom.

All in all, the night was pretty slow. Being a Wednesday and all. I'll be sure to get a few more chances to get myself in trouble. Maybe even fired! Stay tuned!